I Should Invest in Apples...
On Tuesday (Nov. 1st) I was reminded of why I don't like going to the doctors at all. Back in September I went to go see them because I had a weird rash, later diagnosed as eczema, that needed attention. Everything went as planned, and I was about to leave with prescription in hand, they said, "Oh, you're new to the office, we should schedule an appointment for a physical."
Bastards.
My dad changed the family PCP during my brief stint at JMU, and since I came home, I hadn't need a doctor visit. But now they suckered me in, since the last time I had seen a doctor I was 18.
Back to Tuesday. As stated earlier, I hadn't been to a doctor in over 3 years, so I kinda, sorta, almost forgot what it was like. First the nurse does the height, weight, blood pressure and pulse. Pretty standard. At this point I figure that the doctor will come in, ask a few questions, examine my ears, throat, eyes, etc., and then I could be on my happy way to dominate my managerial accounting exam.
No.
The nurse goes to the cabinet and pulls out a hospital gown, told me to undress (I was allowed to leave my boxers on) and then just sit and wait. In the cold examination room. Alone. Uncomfortable. Scared.
Luckily the esteemed Dr. Micheal Pangan didn't keep me waiting too long. He first plugs in a little laptop and asks some questions. Do I smoke? No. Do I drink? Only a little bit on weekends (I am 21 afterall). Drug use? Some reefer in high school, maybe 5 times since i turned 18 though. Seuxally active within the past 5 years? Of course. Guys or Girls? Ok, this one caught me off guard. I mean, I've only enjoyed relations with the fairer sex (not that theres anything wrong with the other way, but I'm not into it). But the sheer nature of the question, accompanied by the utter nonchalance that he posed it with really threw me off and I had to think about it. After asking me about 20 questions, he determines I lead a fairly clean life, and judging by my height and weight, I'm just about as healthy as they come without being slaves to the gym or god-like atheletes. He then proceeds with all the aformentioned standard examinations.
He then turns around for a second and grabs a rubber glove. He snaps it on and says "drop your drawers." Again, this is a part I forgot about. At this point the only thing racing through my frightened mind is PROSTATE EXAMINATION. Am I too young for that stuff? I don't want a lubed finger exploring me! Thankfully its not that, but he had me incredibly worried.
But the next thing I know he's latched on to my, as Peter Griffin so elegantly calls it, flesh balloon. He's just feeling around, and he seems to be really enjoying himself. Imagine my discomfort as I stand in the middle of a cold room, with a short asian man groping my balls, while my ass is hanging out of the back of a hospital gown. Ok....on second thought don't imagine that because the next time I see any of you you'll probably give me a weird look or ignore me entirely.
But he has his hands on me, and he's really feeling around, all the while explaining something about testicular cancer, and monthly examinations, and lumps. I was way too uncomfortable to really get it all. He then wants me to feel around with him, and thats where I drew the line. Its one thing if you're going to fondle me like that, but I refuse to play along with you, you crazy sick doctor. There was no way he was going to get me to feel my balls while he's holding them....because that just screams homosexual. When he finally concludes the examination, I hastily redress and he directs me to another small room. Now I need blood drawn for a cholesterol test. Probably because I told him my diet consists of about 70% pizza, 20% coffee, and 9% crap in my house, and 1% Dos Amigos Burritos (they are sooooo good). Anything to ruin my day I suppose.
I left the doctors office feeling humiliated, violated, and light headed. Kind of like if you were in the ocean and your swimsuit came off, and then you were drugged and molested. In front of a bunch of people you know. And you had to pay $20 for it.
Bastards.
My dad changed the family PCP during my brief stint at JMU, and since I came home, I hadn't need a doctor visit. But now they suckered me in, since the last time I had seen a doctor I was 18.
Back to Tuesday. As stated earlier, I hadn't been to a doctor in over 3 years, so I kinda, sorta, almost forgot what it was like. First the nurse does the height, weight, blood pressure and pulse. Pretty standard. At this point I figure that the doctor will come in, ask a few questions, examine my ears, throat, eyes, etc., and then I could be on my happy way to dominate my managerial accounting exam.
No.
The nurse goes to the cabinet and pulls out a hospital gown, told me to undress (I was allowed to leave my boxers on) and then just sit and wait. In the cold examination room. Alone. Uncomfortable. Scared.
Luckily the esteemed Dr. Micheal Pangan didn't keep me waiting too long. He first plugs in a little laptop and asks some questions. Do I smoke? No. Do I drink? Only a little bit on weekends (I am 21 afterall). Drug use? Some reefer in high school, maybe 5 times since i turned 18 though. Seuxally active within the past 5 years? Of course. Guys or Girls? Ok, this one caught me off guard. I mean, I've only enjoyed relations with the fairer sex (not that theres anything wrong with the other way, but I'm not into it). But the sheer nature of the question, accompanied by the utter nonchalance that he posed it with really threw me off and I had to think about it. After asking me about 20 questions, he determines I lead a fairly clean life, and judging by my height and weight, I'm just about as healthy as they come without being slaves to the gym or god-like atheletes. He then proceeds with all the aformentioned standard examinations.
He then turns around for a second and grabs a rubber glove. He snaps it on and says "drop your drawers." Again, this is a part I forgot about. At this point the only thing racing through my frightened mind is PROSTATE EXAMINATION. Am I too young for that stuff? I don't want a lubed finger exploring me! Thankfully its not that, but he had me incredibly worried.
But the next thing I know he's latched on to my, as Peter Griffin so elegantly calls it, flesh balloon. He's just feeling around, and he seems to be really enjoying himself. Imagine my discomfort as I stand in the middle of a cold room, with a short asian man groping my balls, while my ass is hanging out of the back of a hospital gown. Ok....on second thought don't imagine that because the next time I see any of you you'll probably give me a weird look or ignore me entirely.
But he has his hands on me, and he's really feeling around, all the while explaining something about testicular cancer, and monthly examinations, and lumps. I was way too uncomfortable to really get it all. He then wants me to feel around with him, and thats where I drew the line. Its one thing if you're going to fondle me like that, but I refuse to play along with you, you crazy sick doctor. There was no way he was going to get me to feel my balls while he's holding them....because that just screams homosexual. When he finally concludes the examination, I hastily redress and he directs me to another small room. Now I need blood drawn for a cholesterol test. Probably because I told him my diet consists of about 70% pizza, 20% coffee, and 9% crap in my house, and 1% Dos Amigos Burritos (they are sooooo good). Anything to ruin my day I suppose.
I left the doctors office feeling humiliated, violated, and light headed. Kind of like if you were in the ocean and your swimsuit came off, and then you were drugged and molested. In front of a bunch of people you know. And you had to pay $20 for it.
posted by BronxBomberz41 at 11:28 PM
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