The Tiny Man

Of all my fellow employees of Joe's Pizza (Hampton) there are several true characters. One is a former alcoholic/drug addict who has probably a year left to live while he runs numbers for his bookee uncle. One is a giant, total douchebag whose douchbaggery knows no bounds. One of them is a kid who burns and cuts himself. One is an extremely large individual who can't seem to find clothes large enough for his double ecks ell frame, and there's myself (I may appear normal to most people who think they really know me, but deep down I really think that I am absolutely, without a doubt, 100% crazy, and I probably have sort of psychological issue.) But this lovely little tale isn't about me or any of the others previously mentioned...its about a Tiny Little Man whom goes by the name of Satan.

Satan, or, Chris Maclean, is a long time Joe's Pizza employee. His time of service has been estimated from anywhere between 5 and 7 years (he's not too sure, his memory has gotten a little hazy in his old age...coupled with his excessive pot smoking). He's 31, and he lives in his mother's basement.

He acquired his nickname of Satan because:

1. He absolutely loves death metal, and almost all of its subgenres
2. He hates christianity, and he has many-a-time spoken of desecrating a Bible.
3. He despises the Jews
4. He has his own death metal (officially its New Hampshire Holocaust Assault Metal) band called Martyrvore (a eater or consumer of the martyrs)
5. When he used to work at Ronaldo's (an italian restaurant in North Hampton) he was a prep cook (as was I). One of the jobs was to prepare lobsters for the line cooks. The procedure consisted of chopping a live lobster in half (lengthwise) and cleaning out the guts. But he used to like to torture the lobsters by either stabbing them in the tail and watching the squirm, or just cut them down the head real slowly...to make them suffer. He would also throw the guts at all the waitresses when they came back to the kitchen. (on a sidenote, I used to do this all the time as well, because apparently I have a sadistic side, go figure, but maybe because I was a 15 year old kid at the time they just thought I was playing instead of being really sick)

Another thing you should know about Satan is that he is very tiny. I mean very tiny. I would be surprised if he topped out over 5'6"...and that is real generous. And now the new, ongoing joke is to make fun of his tinyness. Observe...

Hey Satan, where'd you get that cigar? Oh wait, thats not a cigar, its a cigarette....and you're just really tiny.

One day I asked Satan to make me a sauce, but then I realized that our normal sauce container was just too big for the guy.

Because of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, we have to accomadate Satan's...."condition."

Its a tiny little sauce container just for Satan!! Its so tiny!!

Also on the agenda to bring Joe's Pizza up to code is our new ovens that are due in any time now (although Joe has been really dragging his feet on this one.) Our current ovens cook a little on the slow side, are prone to frequent malfunction, and are probably older than me. Satan is our usual oven guy (or hotbox attendant, or oven monkey). The ovens are almost as tall as I am, and well, shucks, they're just too darn big for our little guy.





Our new ovens will be a bit better suited for our little vertically challenged friend.