Damn Those Hessians!

The Hessians, for those of you who don't know, were German mercenary soldiers who fought on the side of the British during the Revolutionary War. Why would I curse them? because they almost cost me my country!! Lousy soldiers who've been dead for 220 years.

Now for the modern day Hessians who've been upsetting me lately. Unfortunately its not a group of German mercenaries....if only it were that simple. Its actually the Hess gas station in Hampton. What's wrong with them you ask? If you'll allow me to rip off Comic Book Guy for a second....

WORST. GAS STATION. EVER.

There I said it.


This photo is of a typical Hess station, though this one appears to be a little older than the one in Hampton. Luckily gas never got that expensive around here...but it was close. But thats not the gripe. The story starts last year during the summer...

Before we had the Hess station it was called US Gas. This was a no-name petroleum company that offered good gasoline for me and my mighty, gas guzzling SUV. And it was relatively cheap too. Lowest within an 8 mile radius. And it always had gas. And as an added bonus, you could pay at the pump with CASH, like a vending machine. It was a thing of beauty. Brian wanted cheap gas. Brian drives to US Gas. US Gas promises cheap and readily available gas. US Gas delivers on promise of cheap, readily available gas. A business transaction takes place, and both parties are satisfied.

Then all of the sudden US gas is closed, and two days later its now a gaudy green and white Hess station. Now let us revisit the above scenario, inserting Hess where once stood US Gas. Brian wants cheap gas. Brian Drives to Hess station. Hess station promises cheap, readily available gas. Hess does not deliver cheap readily available gas as promised. No business transaction takes place, and Brian leaves the gas station angry.

We could do a case analysis of the above problem, but this isn't a college classroom, its a crappy website. I wanted gas, I tried getting gas. First, they took away the pay with cash option at the pumps. No worries, I had my trusty debit card. After activating the pumps, I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait a sec, there is no gas. Its not working. I am told the pumps don't work. I'm understandably T.O'd. I take my business elsewhere.

But the story doesn't quite end there. I figure since they just opened that there is a higher likelihood of problems. So I return later. Same thing. I try again a few months later. Again I leave with an empty gas tank. The final straw was just a week ago. I tried getting some gas for my mother's car, and what do you know, NO GAS FOR ME. They didn't run out. They just couldn't serve me because of some stupid reason I didn't care to hear about. I gave them 4 chances to give me gas. FOUR FREAKIN CHANCES. Usually after one bad experience you will be lucky to get that customers business ever again. But I am very forgiving. But four times?! You gotta be shittin me. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, (which is never), but isn't the first rule of business to make sure you can sell your goods to the consumer? Apparently Hess slept through their Intro to Business class (I can't really blame them, its a very boring class). But I am never going to a Hess station anywhere ever again. And nor should you. I don't care if its the only gas station for the next 200 miles and I'm riding on E. I don't care if they only charge me $.05 per gallon when the price of oil skyrockets to $250/barrel (which equates to about $7.75 per gallon in today's dollahs). I am never going to any Hess anywhere ever again. I am calling an all out boycott of them. Because they don't know how to do what businesses do....which is sell your shit to me.

The Guy Who Sponsors "The Total Gym" is NOT COOL!

There has been a recent epidemic....actually more of a plague, if you will, amongst the college community. It's not the threat of binge drinking, drug use, irresponsible and unrestrained sex, syphilis, or bird flu (though I totally wish it was bird flu). You will not find this disease in any medical dictionary or encyclopedia, and if you went to a doctor or med student asking them about this disease, they'd probably laugh at you and either give you a roundhouse to the face, or make a quick remark about a B-List celebrity roundhousing you or someone else to the face.

This disease is what I call ChuckNorritis. What it boils down to in laymans terms is an unhealthy, and irrational obsession with Chuck Norris. Yes. The Chuck Norris. This stupid guy right here....

Look at that guy! He looks gayer than Christopher Lowell. Does a man in a singlet really deserve to be as venerated as this guy? YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS GUY SERIOUSLY! Whatever this man in the singlet is offering for a private lesson, I'm pretty sure I don't want it.

I'll give you a brief, fairly accurate depiction of his life, none of which includes kicking a pope, extinguishing the dinosaurs, or filling the oceans.

Chuck Norris was born in Oklahoma in 1940. Yes, 1940, he is now eligible to collect social security checks from the government. Since he was young he trained and competed in martial arts, specifically Tae Kwon Do. He was the first man in the western hemisphere to achieve an 8th level black belt, which I will tip my cap to. But his actual fighting career ended in 1974. He retired from professional fighting undefeated. Again, impressive. He soon began acting in action movies, as kung fu movies were starting to gather a real following in America. He then proceeded to star in such action classics, and I use that term as loose as a 50 year old hooker, The Octogon, Silent Rage, Lone Wolf McQuade, and Invasion U.S.A. But he didn't get his real break until 1986 in Delta Force. I guess he was sort of a star now.


Afterwards, America soon realized that while Mr. Norris posesses amazing martial arts abilities, he is actually a pretty terrible actor. Most of us really know him from two places. Walker Texas Ranger (which is false, because he's not Texan, he's Oklahoman) and from his numerous infomercials with fellow 80s inconoclast Christie Brinkley, who also seems to never age. She still looks like she did back in the 80s, when she was in her 30's, and you'd think to yourself, "Yeah, she's pretty much as old as my mom, if not older, but i'd still do her." Now you think to yourself, "Well, she's probably old enough to be my grandmother, but under the right circumstances, I'd still throw it in her." Sickos. They are both hocking this strange piece of crap.


I mean look at that, its just a padded board on a steel frame with some pulleys. I think I may have accidently built that in 6th grade science class when we were studying simple machines. Not to mention that Chuck Norris is giving off the pedosmile in the photo....

Walker was cancelled on CBS, which for some reason had a long standing tradition of having shows that just totally sucked. I mean, who really got excited at night to see Walker Texas Ranger and JAG. Please, somebody at CBS, tell me what you were smoking for those years that those shows were on the air, and share it with me. Because if it made you think that you could actually attract an audience with those shows, then who knows what it could do for me. After being syndicated on the USA network, Walker enjoyed, little, if any success. It certainly didn't get the Family Guy treatment when it got cancelled. But then something magical happened. When NBC bought the USA Networks, they had full, unlimited rights to their video libraries. This included WTR. So Conan O'Brien, being the comic genius that he is, started assimilating random clips into his show. It was funny, in fact, it was hilarious. It soon caught on and Chucky made a cameo spot in Dodgeball. That was it. ChuckNorritis was offically starting to spread.

But the thing is, Chuck Norris, despite all his martial arts prowess, isn't that cool. You want a cool martial artist turned action star, you will bask in the glory of this man. DO IT!! DIDDY MOW!!!

Bruce Lee is one Bad Muthafucka!! Did you ever see Enter the Dragon? Its like the greatest martial arts movie of all time. He is so fucking awesome. And if he were alive today, and he took on Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee would kill Chuck Norris seven times before he hit the ground. I bet Bruce Lee's corpse right now could at least kill Chuck twice. And as far as 80's badasses go, you can't beat these guys....


The A-Team was the greatest tag team of crime fighters this planet has ever seen, real or imaginary. And then there was this guy....


MacGuyver was SO badass that he carries bombs around on his shoulder without thinking twice. Did Chuck Norris do that? I don't think so. (No, the shoulder fired bazookas from Delta Force don't count because those were obviously Hollywood props, and that missile is obviously a real deadly explosive waiting to detonate on an unsuspecting baddie.) And besides, I bet MacGuyver could beat Norris by using some dental floss and Chuck's 8th degree blackbelt and making a bomb to blow Chuck Norris in half.

So let me put everything in perspective. Chuck Norris Sucks. He's from the 80s, where everything sucked. His shows suck. His acting sucks. His stupid beard sucks. He's not as tough as you think he is, since he is a member of the AARP and all. None of the things that are on the Chuck Norris List, or any other list for that matter, actually apply to Chuck Norris. And if it weren't for stupid college kids who have nothing to do, his current elevated status as a celebrity wouldn't exist, as he'd be back down in the ranks of Steven Segal and Jean-Claude Van Dam where he belongs.

STOP VENERATING CHUCK NORRIS....NOT FOR YOUR SAKE, BUT FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY.