R. Kelly Got a Bum Rap

And, R. Kelly's raps is wack. But this ain't what that be spittin' bout.

Mr. Kelly has been recently recognized for his "critically acclaimed" Hip-Hopera, Trapped in the Closet. The best line in that whole thing is when he says "And I was trapped in my closet/And I pulled out my Barretta!" because why the fuck would R. Kelly have a Barretta in his closet. I guess a better question would be why don't you have a baretta in your closet?


And while as hilarious and preposterous the whole DVD may have been, its not the subject matter of todays story. This one relates to R. Kelly's more infamous episode in his life...in which he pees on a girl. Heres the thing. R Kelly peed on a girl, who was allegedly underage. Now, I didn't see that video he made of it, but I'm going to pretend that I did. And that girl didn't look like she was a day under 20. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that he got in trouble not because the girl was "under age" but because it's considered indecent to urinate on women.

Now how is the relevant you ask? Well I'll tell you. I know that this all went down a couple years ago, so it makes no sense to right strictly about R Kelly and his urination fetish at this juncture. But go with me on this one.

The other night I was at a group meeting for Marketing class. (on a side note, its not relevant but hilarious. my marketing professor is an old man who chains smokes, is an alcoholic, and may or may not have groped a faculty member in WSBE. great guy. love ya chuck!) Back to this meeting. It was a Sunday night in the Library at UNH. Now, the last place I want to be on a Sunday night is the Library that is a 30 minute drive from where I live and work. So while we are all there, not only do we try to make it worth our time and get some work done, we have a little fun too. Something that has come up now several times, is something that is very interesting. This girl in the group, lets just call her Britt (name may or may not have been changed to protect or not protect the innocent) has this reoccurring problem of getting pissed on by her boyfriend whenever she goes to visit him at ZooMass. Apparently, he gets really drunk, and then feels its OK to just piss on her, and his bed in the middle of the night. Now, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but when I feel the need to piss, no matter how drunk I am, I can say with about a 110% confidence interval (its possible, shut up) that I am going to wake up in the middle of the night, no matter how drunk I am, and make it to a bathroom to relieve myself. So we all ridiculed her, made fun of her, and even offered to buy some Depends for him next time she goes to visit him.

A good investment for Ms. "Britt Bevan"

Now we go to the next day. I was having a conversation with a one Tricia, when I explained that the only thing I brought away from that meeting was the fact that Britt keeps getting peed on. She then went on to tell me that this strange occurance, which I have never heard of until meeting Britt, happens all the time. All four of her roommates have been peed on by drunk boyfriends/random hookups.

"dude i'm so fuckin wasted! lets go find some girls to piss on!!"

I then decided some more investigation was necessary...for you guys. I then asked the lovely and talented Kristen at work that night if she could corraborate Tricia's claims. Not only has it happened to Kristen, but its happened SEVERAL times to her. From more than one person. This blew my mind. How can something that is taught to us from the earliest stages of life be so difficult to do when we are drunk? I then reported my findings later to my marketing group. Now, they were surprised that I had conducted this research (which is for you, my readers). And then one of the people most responsible for making fun of Britt, a one Mr. David Andrew Ross, was guilty himself of perpetrating this act. How dare he, after doing something like that himself, make fun of Britt and her boyfriend for that. Now, I on the other hand, have never done that, so I have every right in the world to. In fact, it's my civic duty to do it.

Ok, I lied, I have peed on a girl. Just once though. And I wasn't drunk. I was completely sober, and I knew exactly what I was doing. I was peeing on a girl, because it was fun. Might I add though, that I was only 5 years old. I had to go, and I decided to just whip it out and let it fly. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It really did. Honest. I still stand by my decision to do it. Its better she knows what humiliation feels like early on in life so it doesn't crush her later. So, I'm just gonna stay up here on my high horse.

But after learning how widespread this whole pissin on girls thing is, (there is a whole niche in the porn industry dedicated to it) I think its time we finally exhonerate R. Kelly. He didn't do anything out of the ordinary. He just peed on a girl.

*Names were not changed to protect the innocent. Screw the innocent

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