Blow'Hare
As promised, the second update about the vacation that ended over a week ago is here!!
When we left off, our hero (me) was chucking grapefruits at his little sister, and being unecessarily destructive. But it was at this point the twilight of the trip, as departure was scheduled for later that night.
We pull into SkyHarbor airport a little before 5:00 PM MST. (7:00 PM EST) Our flight leaves at about 6:11 PM, departing for the city that starts with a 'C', ends with an 'O' and has 'HICAG' in the middle. We arrive at the second busiest airport in the country, Chicago O'Hare (the airport had recently lost its crown of busiest airport to Atlanta) at about 11:10 CST. None of us had any dinner so we are understandably hungry. We walk by all these little restaraunts and shops, but they are all closed. I can understand when the Duty Free shop (which has the largest carton of cigarettes I've ever seen) doesn't want to be open 24 hours, but you'd expect something to be open right? They do have at least one 24 hours Dunkin Donuts in Logan, so I just assumed there would be one in every airport (or even a Starbucks). But get this....
Not even the well respected airport establishment Hudson News was open. I couldn't buy a pack of gum if I wanted. I walked around the area (terminal 3) for a while looking for something, but everything was closed.
Even Montblanc was closed, and I don't even know what they sold. It looked like it was just overpriced pens and watches, but I may be wrong.
We did however find a soda fountain that someone had neglected to turn off before they closed up so my father and I helped ourselves to some of their finer Coca-Cola....
This was the scene at all 5 Starbucks that were in terminal 3. All the sandwiches and things were behind these little cage things. But as you can clearly see at the top, anybody with girly little hands and slender wrists could just reach in and take one. (Actually, even I, with my bear paws for hands and wrists like tree trunks, because I'm so manly, could have reached in there and taken one. And if you are thinking, "If you are so manly, why not do it, or even just rip off the cage with your 28" pythons?" Well the answer is quite obvious. I didn't want to sit in an airport jail for attempted theft while my family flew back to Boston.)
After finally talking to somebody who really reminded me of this guy....
We asked them where to get some food. He proceeded to hike up his toolbelt and said "Oh you're askin the right gise" He told us all the open foodcourts were in Terminal 5. It was just a short train ride over. But heres the problem....
As I have clearly marked in red Arial 10pt font, I was there, and food was there. And then in yellow 10pt arial font, security was in between us. And they wouldn't let us go back through if we went to terminal 5. So if we left Terminal 3, we couldn't get back in. But we needed to stay in terminal 3 because thats where our flight was leaving from later that morning (6:41 AM CST). So I did some more walking around.....
I found this fun little playplace that I played in for about 10 minutes. It really was a blast pretending I was a captain of that Jumbo Jet!!
This magical little toilet here solves all your problems you may have with shitting in public. You just press a button and it magically puts down a fresh plastic lining on the seat for going number two. Its not very comfortable though, because the seat kinda feels like trying to take a dump while sitting on the toilet with the toilet seat up. And if your irrational fear of using public restrooms stems not from the unsanitary toilets but of crazy patrons jumping over the stall and looking at you....well then you have a whole other set of problems....
This was the leftover holiday display in the airport, as it was still only January 4th. And it was quite pretty to walk down that concourse and look up and see that, but it wasn't food, and it didn't help me pass time any quicker by looking at it. Maybe if I had taken some mushrooms....
This was my "final resting place" so to speak. I chose it because it was dark and hidden, and didn't invlove me having to contort my body in seven different ways to try and lay down on those uncomfortable airport benches. I fashioned a makeshift pillow out of my shoes and my jacket and was able to grab about 45 minutes of sleep...that is...once the insanity started to wear down.
Eventually everything opened back up at like 5:30, and I finally got some food. And then I sat there and people watched for about an hour. My plane had an invasion of girls in Red Sweaters, as some sort of ice dancing team from Chicago was heading to Boston. They were like all 16, and most of them were kinda hot, but then they opened there mouths......but I digress
All in all my short experience with Chicago left me confused and enraged. Maybe I will one day again return to the Windy City and actually leave the airport....
nawwwwwwwwwwww
If you were so glad I was there, why didn't you try to be a gracious host and SERVE ME SOME FUCKING FOOD WHEN I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY!! FUCK YOU SHITCAGO, I'M NEVER COMING BACK AGAIN!!!
When we left off, our hero (me) was chucking grapefruits at his little sister, and being unecessarily destructive. But it was at this point the twilight of the trip, as departure was scheduled for later that night.
We pull into SkyHarbor airport a little before 5:00 PM MST. (7:00 PM EST) Our flight leaves at about 6:11 PM, departing for the city that starts with a 'C', ends with an 'O' and has 'HICAG' in the middle. We arrive at the second busiest airport in the country, Chicago O'Hare (the airport had recently lost its crown of busiest airport to Atlanta) at about 11:10 CST. None of us had any dinner so we are understandably hungry. We walk by all these little restaraunts and shops, but they are all closed. I can understand when the Duty Free shop (which has the largest carton of cigarettes I've ever seen) doesn't want to be open 24 hours, but you'd expect something to be open right? They do have at least one 24 hours Dunkin Donuts in Logan, so I just assumed there would be one in every airport (or even a Starbucks). But get this....
Not even the well respected airport establishment Hudson News was open. I couldn't buy a pack of gum if I wanted. I walked around the area (terminal 3) for a while looking for something, but everything was closed.
Even Montblanc was closed, and I don't even know what they sold. It looked like it was just overpriced pens and watches, but I may be wrong.
We did however find a soda fountain that someone had neglected to turn off before they closed up so my father and I helped ourselves to some of their finer Coca-Cola....
This was the scene at all 5 Starbucks that were in terminal 3. All the sandwiches and things were behind these little cage things. But as you can clearly see at the top, anybody with girly little hands and slender wrists could just reach in and take one. (Actually, even I, with my bear paws for hands and wrists like tree trunks, because I'm so manly, could have reached in there and taken one. And if you are thinking, "If you are so manly, why not do it, or even just rip off the cage with your 28" pythons?" Well the answer is quite obvious. I didn't want to sit in an airport jail for attempted theft while my family flew back to Boston.)After finally talking to somebody who really reminded me of this guy....
We asked them where to get some food. He proceeded to hike up his toolbelt and said "Oh you're askin the right gise" He told us all the open foodcourts were in Terminal 5. It was just a short train ride over. But heres the problem....
As I have clearly marked in red Arial 10pt font, I was there, and food was there. And then in yellow 10pt arial font, security was in between us. And they wouldn't let us go back through if we went to terminal 5. So if we left Terminal 3, we couldn't get back in. But we needed to stay in terminal 3 because thats where our flight was leaving from later that morning (6:41 AM CST). So I did some more walking around.....
I found this fun little playplace that I played in for about 10 minutes. It really was a blast pretending I was a captain of that Jumbo Jet!!
This magical little toilet here solves all your problems you may have with shitting in public. You just press a button and it magically puts down a fresh plastic lining on the seat for going number two. Its not very comfortable though, because the seat kinda feels like trying to take a dump while sitting on the toilet with the toilet seat up. And if your irrational fear of using public restrooms stems not from the unsanitary toilets but of crazy patrons jumping over the stall and looking at you....well then you have a whole other set of problems....
This was the leftover holiday display in the airport, as it was still only January 4th. And it was quite pretty to walk down that concourse and look up and see that, but it wasn't food, and it didn't help me pass time any quicker by looking at it. Maybe if I had taken some mushrooms....
This was my "final resting place" so to speak. I chose it because it was dark and hidden, and didn't invlove me having to contort my body in seven different ways to try and lay down on those uncomfortable airport benches. I fashioned a makeshift pillow out of my shoes and my jacket and was able to grab about 45 minutes of sleep...that is...once the insanity started to wear down.
Eventually everything opened back up at like 5:30, and I finally got some food. And then I sat there and people watched for about an hour. My plane had an invasion of girls in Red Sweaters, as some sort of ice dancing team from Chicago was heading to Boston. They were like all 16, and most of them were kinda hot, but then they opened there mouths......but I digress
All in all my short experience with Chicago left me confused and enraged. Maybe I will one day again return to the Windy City and actually leave the airport....
nawwwwwwwwwwww
If you were so glad I was there, why didn't you try to be a gracious host and SERVE ME SOME FUCKING FOOD WHEN I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY!! FUCK YOU SHITCAGO, I'M NEVER COMING BACK AGAIN!!!
posted by BronxBomberz41 at 11:48 AM
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