Birthday Blues
Yesterday, December 13th, was my birthday. And as it has been for the past 4 years, it was incredibly depressing. See the past four years, I've had absolutely miserable birthdays. And actually, my 18th, 17th, and 16th birthdays weren't anything to get all excited about either. Most people outside of my family forget my birthday, because its obviously not memorable. For my 19th and 20th birthdays I was stressing out for finals, and finished just before the 13th hit. But I ended up having to spend about 12 hours in a car riding from JMU to New Hampshire. Then the past two instances, the big 21 included, I spent the whole time just studying. My nose in a stupid book all day and night. And then when I actually got to go out for my birthday last year I threw up like 8 times....including once on my brand new leather jacket, and once on the side of Tricia's brand new car while I leaned out the window. No puking this year though....although after the massive amounts of food I ate this evening I wouldn't totally rule it out. To help myself feel better I'm going to take a trip down memory lane at highlight all the best stuff about birthdays from the first to the present. And then steer you down your future birthdays so you all get as depressed as me.
1 year old: Well isn't it obvious? You didn't die in your first year of existence so you don't suck at life that hard!! I also remember on my brothers first birthday he didn't quite understand you were supposed to blow the candles out. So he put the flame out with his little baby hand. I laughed for hours. Even at 4 1/2 years old I was still a jackass.
2 years old: Holy Crap! Your age doubles at this point, relative to years that is. Good thing that trend didn't keep up or I'd actually be 2,097,152 years old....which would make me about as old as the human race.
7 years old: I don't know about anyone else, but this is when I really started getting cool presents and having fun parties. Sweet ninja turtles, maybe a new video game if I was lucky, and for me, it was birthday parties at The Dream Machine, a crappy little arcade at the mall.
10 years old: double digits, and always a new pair of basketball kicks. Life was good. I remember on this birthday we had a massive snowstorm and it knocked the power out at my house. We were supposed to make ninja turtle pizzas, but instead we had to go to pizza hut. and then to the dream machine. again.
13 years old: In some circles, mostly jewish ones, you are considered a man at this point. Some even more bizarre circles arrange marriages for the kids at this point. But in the good old US of A it simply marks the time when you become a teenager. Now you think you hot shit, but you're not. You are still a fucking kid. Only now you can't go to the dream machine for your parties anymore. This one was special to me because I turned 13 on Friday the 13th. Fortunately nobody died.
16 years old: Awwww...the sweet 16. Well, actually if you are a guy, 16 just means its time to get your drivers license. And maybe you can almost look old enough to buy cigarettes without needing to show ID. Not me though. I decided I didn't want my license until about 8 months later because I didn't want to get a job, and the stipulation was get a job, get a license. I was being kinda lazy back then. Come to think of it...I'm still kinda lazy...
18 years old: Lotto tickets!! Cigarettes!! PORN!!! w00t! You are now officially a man in the eyes of the government. You can pick which candidate you think is least likely to screw up the country as president and die at his command overseas. But you can't be trusted with beer yet. You only need to be 18 to shoot up Iraqis, but 21 to take shots from the Iraqi bartender.
21 years old: Ok, now you can legally ruin your liver. Often times people have already partied out by the time they are 21, and now that the allure of drinking illegally is passed, excessive binge drinking is a thing of a past. For most anyways. Well...for me anyways. Theres only one more real privilage you get as you get older....
25 years old: Now you are wicked responsible!! You can rent cars and your car insurance goes down because you are no longer in that "high risk" group of 16-24 year old males. I'll drink to that!!
40 years old: Time for a midlife crisis. If you are married, get a divorce, buy a convertible, and runaway with a girl half your age and use her for sex like she uses you for money. If you aren't married, start freakin out because you have yet to leave your legacy to the world behind. And if you haven't gotten married by this point, you are never going to meet anyone, because if you were perceived as women to be creepy by women leading up to this point, you just get creepier as you get older.
65 years old: Its time to retire and collect that social security check you've been paying the government for your whole life. Now you can move down to Hell's waiting room and buy a nice little condo in Del Boca Vista condos, Phase III, become condo president, then get impeached because your well-to-do child bought you a new cadillac and community gets suspicious. If you are in my generation and you didn't invest your money wisely, which most of you wont....but I will, you aren't allowed to retire yet. Sorry.
75 years old: Ok, now my contemporaries can retire. You just better hope you don't have to suffer through the humiliation of crapping yourself at work and asking one of your younger, better looking coworkers to change your adult diapers at the Koala Kare changing station.
85 years old: I AIN'T DEAD YET MOTHERFUCKERS!! Now you are just a curmudgeonly old man, and nobody likes you. You retell old war stories from wars you never served in...because every old man is a war hero.
100 years old: This may be a common occurance once I reach this age, but its still so old. I probably wouldn't be able to move around on my own. Hopefully I will have become president of Cheif Justice of the Supreme Court during my life making assisted suicide legal, because existence as a 100 year old smelly waste of space is the last thing I want to do.
1 year old: Well isn't it obvious? You didn't die in your first year of existence so you don't suck at life that hard!! I also remember on my brothers first birthday he didn't quite understand you were supposed to blow the candles out. So he put the flame out with his little baby hand. I laughed for hours. Even at 4 1/2 years old I was still a jackass.
2 years old: Holy Crap! Your age doubles at this point, relative to years that is. Good thing that trend didn't keep up or I'd actually be 2,097,152 years old....which would make me about as old as the human race.
7 years old: I don't know about anyone else, but this is when I really started getting cool presents and having fun parties. Sweet ninja turtles, maybe a new video game if I was lucky, and for me, it was birthday parties at The Dream Machine, a crappy little arcade at the mall.
10 years old: double digits, and always a new pair of basketball kicks. Life was good. I remember on this birthday we had a massive snowstorm and it knocked the power out at my house. We were supposed to make ninja turtle pizzas, but instead we had to go to pizza hut. and then to the dream machine. again.
13 years old: In some circles, mostly jewish ones, you are considered a man at this point. Some even more bizarre circles arrange marriages for the kids at this point. But in the good old US of A it simply marks the time when you become a teenager. Now you think you hot shit, but you're not. You are still a fucking kid. Only now you can't go to the dream machine for your parties anymore. This one was special to me because I turned 13 on Friday the 13th. Fortunately nobody died.
16 years old: Awwww...the sweet 16. Well, actually if you are a guy, 16 just means its time to get your drivers license. And maybe you can almost look old enough to buy cigarettes without needing to show ID. Not me though. I decided I didn't want my license until about 8 months later because I didn't want to get a job, and the stipulation was get a job, get a license. I was being kinda lazy back then. Come to think of it...I'm still kinda lazy...
18 years old: Lotto tickets!! Cigarettes!! PORN!!! w00t! You are now officially a man in the eyes of the government. You can pick which candidate you think is least likely to screw up the country as president and die at his command overseas. But you can't be trusted with beer yet. You only need to be 18 to shoot up Iraqis, but 21 to take shots from the Iraqi bartender.
21 years old: Ok, now you can legally ruin your liver. Often times people have already partied out by the time they are 21, and now that the allure of drinking illegally is passed, excessive binge drinking is a thing of a past. For most anyways. Well...for me anyways. Theres only one more real privilage you get as you get older....
25 years old: Now you are wicked responsible!! You can rent cars and your car insurance goes down because you are no longer in that "high risk" group of 16-24 year old males. I'll drink to that!!
40 years old: Time for a midlife crisis. If you are married, get a divorce, buy a convertible, and runaway with a girl half your age and use her for sex like she uses you for money. If you aren't married, start freakin out because you have yet to leave your legacy to the world behind. And if you haven't gotten married by this point, you are never going to meet anyone, because if you were perceived as women to be creepy by women leading up to this point, you just get creepier as you get older.
65 years old: Its time to retire and collect that social security check you've been paying the government for your whole life. Now you can move down to Hell's waiting room and buy a nice little condo in Del Boca Vista condos, Phase III, become condo president, then get impeached because your well-to-do child bought you a new cadillac and community gets suspicious. If you are in my generation and you didn't invest your money wisely, which most of you wont....but I will, you aren't allowed to retire yet. Sorry.
75 years old: Ok, now my contemporaries can retire. You just better hope you don't have to suffer through the humiliation of crapping yourself at work and asking one of your younger, better looking coworkers to change your adult diapers at the Koala Kare changing station.
85 years old: I AIN'T DEAD YET MOTHERFUCKERS!! Now you are just a curmudgeonly old man, and nobody likes you. You retell old war stories from wars you never served in...because every old man is a war hero.
100 years old: This may be a common occurance once I reach this age, but its still so old. I probably wouldn't be able to move around on my own. Hopefully I will have become president of Cheif Justice of the Supreme Court during my life making assisted suicide legal, because existence as a 100 year old smelly waste of space is the last thing I want to do.
posted by BronxBomberz41 at 11:31 PM
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