I Love Parties

The American political scene these days is very homogenized. You have your choice of really only choosing two different candidates for any public office position. The problem is, the candidates essentially run under the same political party, the Republocrats. Because lets face it, the only difference between Dems and Reps is that the Reps want to make the rich richer and the poor poorer, and the Dems merely want to keep the status quo. Choosing between them is like choosing between two bowls of shit. I mean, you can register as an "independent" but you always end up voting for one of the two main parties. And there are other smaller parties out there, like the Green Party, but nobody takes this guy seriously anymore.

Too drunk to be scared.

So I've decided it's time to broaden the political landscape of America. I mean, in the Afghan elections they had about 50 political parties, we can come up with at least a few more for us.

The Bull Moose Party - We should resurrect this once great party headed by the former President Teddy Roosevelt. They were progressive, environmentally conscious, and had an excellent foreign policy motto "Speak Softly, and carry a big stick." If Teddy were president today it would look a little something like this.

USA- *whispers* "hey Iran you shouldn't make nuclear weapons"
Iran - "What?"
USA- *WHAP* ...Problem solved.

And every time you vote you get 20 points on your Freakin' Buyer's Card.

Party Headquarters - Portland, ME with satellite offices in Salem and Portsmouth, NH

The Birthday Party - This is the most fun party ever. It's all balloons and presents and pony rides. And the halls of Congress are packed full of clowns and balloon animals. In fact, it wouldn't be much different that Congress right now. And everyday you get to eat cake. The President would always be dressed like a ringmaster, and the Presidential Palace (aka the White House) would be moved from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to wherever there happens to be a circus. Republicans will be happy because elephants will still be prominently displayed.

"And for my next trick, I'll need two volunteers. How about Israel and Lebanon. As you can see, nothing up my sleeve....And, wait, what's this? Is that a shiny new peace treaty behind Israel's ear??"

The Cocktail Party - Everyone is always dressed up in nice clothes, but always looks slightly disheveled. Stumbling is a must. Congressional Sessions have a 4 drink minimum. And more than likely everybody carries a bootflask with whiskey in it. Ted Kennedy has been rumored to be switching party lines as I write this. Everything is all well and good in this party until every starts making out with their secretaries. And then it is nothing but shame and cover ups.

The Frat Party - Bluto makes his triumphant foray into politics with this one. Things are a little sticky though as the party will be fractured into several smaller sects. And instead of voting for president, we hold a pseudo Greek Games, to determine who gets to head the government. The Tri Lambdas are heavy favorites. The White House will become The Animal House, and everything will be a blast until Ann Weaver Hart decides it's time to "clean up this little unpleasantness."

She ruined UNH and now she will ruin Temple. Better hope you don't get any snow.

My Enchanted Party - This would probably be the smallest of all the parties. Because it would mostly consist of me, and the like 15 people who read this blog. All party rhetoric would be dispensed through this site. And if I got elected president, I'd only get around to doing things once every few weeks, because that's how this site operates now and I'm not about to mess with a winning formula.