He's SO NOT THE MVP!!

David Ortiz is not the MVP. He doesn't deserve it. PERIOD! EXCLAMATION POINT!! ANGRY EMOTICONS!!!!1@!

Granted, David Ortiz does indeed warrant consideration for the MVP this year, he had a tremendous year. He hit 148 RBI's, many of them in the late innings, and a large portion of them either tied the game or put the Red Sox ahead in the late innings. He definitely helped carry the Red Sox into the post season as his clutch hitting can not be argued. His average with RISP was highest in the AL and in "pressure situations" he has a better average than the other guy who happens to be in this conversation...Alex Rodriguez. For more on these ridiculous stats that will never show up in a box score, check out Baseball Prospectus. He only hit .300 for the season, (yeah...only) and finished 2nd in HR to Arod (only one shy).

Looking at Rodriguez, its clear that he as well had a fabulous year. he hit .321 (21 points higher than Ortiz), led the AL in homers, was a top 5 RBI man, and he stole 21 bases. Not only could he drive in runs, but he could help manufacture them. Ortiz stole only one bag this season, and I'm pretty sure I saw that game on NESN, and they just gave him second base. Stolen bases may be somewhat of an arcane measure of a player, but teams and players that can move runners into scoring position without even swinging the bat can usually win a few ballgames. Look at Chicago this year, or even the Devil Rays, who posted one of the best records after the All-Star break in all of baseball. But for some reason, everyone ignores stolen bases and doesn't think they are worth anything real. (Even though a SB is just as many points as a HR in many fantasy baseball circles)

Detractors on Alex say that he's not even the MVP on his own team, or even the most feared hitter on his own team. This is 100% true. Gary Sheffield swings the angriest bat in the history of baseball and he will send the ball over the fence faster than it got to the plate. And without Mo Rivera, the Yankees wouldn't have even sniffed the playoffs (pitchers, however, rarely win the MVP award.) However, the same arguments could be made about Ortiz. Many view Johnny Damon as the MVP of the team, both emotionally and on the field. As much as I dislike the guy, he gets it done, and was a catalyst on more than one occasion for the Sox offense (but he throws like a girl, and we all know that girls can't win the MVP). And the only reason David saw as many pitches as he did was because of a little guy named Manny Ortez...*ahem* Ramirez. (Probably one of the best pure hitters in the game right now) So we have to throw that argument out.

So on WEEI I have heard guys say that Ortiz is more valuable because you are getting more production per dollar spent on the player (Ortiz made made between 1 and 3 million, as opposed to Arod's bazillion dollars). Now, as an economics student, I appreciate the attempt put a dollar value on baseball skills. But as a baseball fan and a realist, Baseball and Economics just don't mix, as the economy in baseball is just so far out of whack that you can't make any arguments about anything except who spends more money. (somebody please explain to me how Eric Milton made $5.33 mil for that pathetic season last year?!?!)

So with offensive numbers (standard offensive numbers, i'm not going into the whole sabrmetrics thing) very similar that its too close to call, comparisons to ones own teammates drawing similar conclusions, Stolen bases getting (wrongfully) ignored, and player cost verse player production being the most ignorant argument for MVP status on the planet, we have only one more real area to cover....

Alex Rodriguez Plays Defense. He's actually a Gold Glove calibur 3rd baseman, who converted from Short Stop (his natural position) on his arrival in New York. Now lets assume that on offense, each player is involved in between 7 and 10 plays per game. And on defense, seeing how the ball can be played anywhere at anytime, you are involved in all 27 outs made. Your average AL team will get between 27 and 40 ABs per game. Now lets say that we only count the defensive plays where a player actually has to make a play. We'll say that at 3rd base Alex is involved in 9 plays a game, whether he's fielding a ground ball, catching a pop fly...whatever. (thats a fairly conservative estimate, because they don't call it the 'hot corner' for nothing) Now Ortiz had 601 ABs. He also played about 6 games at 1B during interleage play. So thats maybe 620 plays all season that you have to judge him on. Alex Rodriguez had 605 ABs, a negligable difference. But if we factor in the 9 plays a game that he could potentially be involved in, times 162 games, thats an additional 1458 plays to be judged on. Over 2000 plays. And over 2000 plays, Alex Rodriguez was a first class player. Thats not to say on any one play he didn't stink like yesterday's garbage, but on the aggregate, he was great. And his aggregate is much larger than David Ortiz. Now if Alex Rodriguez was the worst fielding 3B in the league, and he hurt his team in the field more than he helped (much like Ortiz or Jason Giambi would) then I would just as soon hand the award over to Ortiz. But the fact of the matter is, Alex Rodriguez is a great all around player, all year, while Ortiz was just a great hitter. You win ballgames with sticks AND gloves people.

These arguments aren't about Red Sox or Yankees, so don't even start to get all in a fit, because it is well known that I am a Yankees fan. But I'm also a purist. I long for the days when a CG was a normality, not an anomoly, and when the DH didn't even exist. Maybe I'm just old fashioned though...

What happened to Mary? SHE GOT HIT IN THE FACE WITH A TIRE!!!

Ok, not so much a tire, but a really large, empty Grey Goose Vodka bottle. And I don't think the girls name was Mary...but thats not too relevant right now.

It was Friday night (October 21st) and I was enjoying the company of my friends at Tricia's apartment in Dover. There was a little bit of beirut going on with the girl's brand new, custom designed beirut table. (courtesy of Matt Maes, he's such a swell guy) I was sitting along the side of the table pretty much at half court. To my right was a fellow spectator Kristin....I think. To my left was Mike Collins, participating in the game. I was sitting directly underneath an opening that goes between the kitchen and living room, sitting in that long opening were several empty wine bottles, and one particularly large empty grey goose bottle. I mean, it was freakin huge, everybody commented on its enormity at least once throughout the night.

It is sitting next to your standard, everyday, 750 mL wine bottles. As you can see by comparison, it is significantly bigger....and heavier. Directly underneath this little setup is the futon.

Photo Courtesy of Tricia Barry

Now if you can utilize the spatial side of your brain and picture the setup, me, directly in the middle on the other side of that opening, Kristin on my right, Mikey on the left. Got it? Good, because I'm moving on.

At this juncture, Mikey proceeds to sink a cup (if you are not familiar with beirut or the rules, then you need some serious education). Sinking the cup, as always, provokes much celebration, including, but not limited to, high-fives, secret handshakes, hugs, girls screaming, fist pumping and pound-outs. The pound-out is of our primary concern during this discussion. Kristin acknowledges Mikey's amazing beirut abilities and offers the obligatory pound-out. Not so fast. As I sit in the middle, block the pound-out, and catch Mikey's fist. He goes for the second hand, and I catch his fist again. He begins to struggle slightly as I hold on to his fists. (At this point I should let you know that Micheal Collins his like an Nth degree blackbelt or something at Tae Kwon Do, so he could kill me seven times before I the ground.) Refusing to let go, I struggle with Mike. He then pulls pretty hard and inadvertantly hits the afformentioned Grey Goose bottle. It should also be known that at this point, there was a girl whom is somewhat related to someone who lives in that house, lying down with her head directly under the location of the Grey Goose bottle.

You can see where this one is going.....

The long and short of it, Mikey knocks a very heavy bottle onto an unsuspecting girls head. I shouted out "Nice work Mikey!" and everybody instantly believed it to be his fault. When in truth, it was completely and without a doubt my fault. And thats what makes this so funny to me. I completely shifted the blame entirely off myself, and entirely on to Mikey Collins. I'm such an ass.

Now I just hope Mike doesn't hunt me down and eliminate me with his martial arts prowess.

Take Satire for What It Is

TNH didn't publish my rant that I wrote earlier this week, but i intend on sharing it with the masses regardless of what the publishing community thinks of my obviously right opinion. I guess i'm just too real for them . . . And now I present to you, my esteemed audience, the piece I wrote in full, enhanced with hyperlinks and a neat little photo of the building in question.


In the Oct. 18 edition of TNH Commentary, there is a response to the satire column done by Tom Olson entitled, “Definitely Not Satire,” in which he used a real persons name with fictional quotes. If the column were an actual report than this would most certainly be in conflict with established journalistic ethics (even though some professional journalists do not seem to think so). But this was a fictional, satirical column meant for entertainment purposes, at the expense of the people who designed and built Kingsbury Hall [at UNH].

Kingsbuy Hall - looks kinda gay if you ask me.......

And although written to appear as if it were in fact legitimate, the title of the column, “Definitely Not Satire” should give the reader a hint that it’s 100% fake. I find it hard to believe that, with sarcasm more prevalent as ever in our modern English, more so in the Northeast than anywhere else I’ve been, that a reader would not pick up on this. Having said that, knowing this is a fake article, one should not be too upset if they end up being the “butt” of the joke. This brand of humor is wildly popular, as television shows like The Daily Show and South Park do this every night. This isn’t so much a case of a breach of journalistic integrity for TNH, but a clear display of the over-sensitiveness of our society as a whole. No longer are our feelings allowed to be hurt, that’s not politically correct. If you upset anyone even the slightest bit you are subject to punishment, whether it’s a stern lecture and revocation of your written pieces from a publication, or large-scale litigation from the offended party. It is completely ridiculous, and I for one, am tired of coddling everyone who might feel upset by something. OK, so a satirical columnist in a college newspaper used your name with a fake quote for a fake story. After you are done crying yourself to sleep at night over this, do us a favor and keep your complaints to yourself, because we don’t care. Or better yet, take it in stride, laugh it off, ignore it, or at least acknowledge the fact that you know its fake. And at the very least, whatever happened to that old childhood motto our parents taught us, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?”