Who Would Have Thunk it?

A few nights ago I made my first adventure into Newmarket for a legal night of drinking. I had been drinking there once or twice before, but it was always at a sketchy apartment that I never felt very comfortable at. And that prevented me from having a good time.

This time around me and a few buddies decided to go out for a little adventure at the bars. We had quite the motley crue. Included in this crew was Budd, who insisted on popping his collar, Johnny the Hippie, Stickey Hickey, the world's foremost authority on wrasslin', and The Tiny Man.

Yeah, we pretty much looked like that.

The night started at the Stone Church. The Stone Church is a somewhat-pseudo-legendary bar and music place thing that has been a popular hang out for both UNH students and hippies a like. And often those UNH students are hippies. My first impression of the place was that this place wasn't actually a bar at all. It's pretty much in the middle of the woods. And the only other bar that I know of that was pretty much in the middle of the woods wasn't so much a bar, as it was a shed that was sort of turned into a bar by two guys and they called it Momma Megs. And to make a long story short, because of Momma Megs, people lost their jobs and divorces were had. So this place kinda had one strike against it.

When we arrived at the front door, the decor actually seemed pretty cool, but there were hippies hawking handmade jewelry at us. That kinda freaked me out. The only thing I want sold to me at a bar is booze. And lots of it. They should really leave their crappy jewelry in their smelly communes. Better yet, they should leave their crappy selves at their smelly communes. Except Johnny the Hippy, he's OK in my book.

So I did a Google Image Search for "hippies selling stuff" and this is what came up.

We listened to a local band play a little blue grass then cover (poorly) something by The Police and some other stuff and left. Next on the tour was a place called Chugger's Palace. With a name like Chuggers Palace you know the place had to be sweet. It was about the size of two dorm rooms. The television took up about 1/3 of the place. The rest was taken up by 1 small table and a Golden Tee and pinball machine. They also had enormous beers. They might as well have been pitchers. I got a pitcher of Longtrail Ale, and it was sweeter than the nectar of the gods. Needless to say, as the night wore on, a good time was being had by all.

This is Hickey and Satan rocking out. For real-real.

Johnny and I have the same camera phone so we thought it would be sweet if we took pictures of each other at the same time. FYI- it totally was!

After polishing off our too large beers, we got to talking about New Hampshire native son, one who I am proud to call that, G.G. Allin. If you don't know who GG is, I implore you to explore his Wikipedia site in more detail. But here is a short synopsis. He was born in NH. His parents were nut jobs. He lived in log cabin with no heat, electricity or water. When he finally moved out he got heavily involved in the underground punk rock scene in NYC. He fronted for bands like The Jabbers, The Scumfucs, The Murder Junkies, The AIDS Brigade, and a host of other bands where the offensiveness of the name is just the beginning (The Fuckin Shitbiscuits was a real good one). GG was known for his over-the-top stage antics and horrendous lyrics (if you could really call what he did music). He often severely injured himself onstage and ate laxatives before concerts so he could defecate on stage and eat it and throw it in the crowd. He was arrested for sexual assault, and for kicking a girl in the mouth on stage. And we from Joe's Pizza fuckin love him. He was a musical Da Vinci, centuries before his time.

The Man. The Myth. The Legend. GG Allin was pretty much the scum of the earth, and we love him for it.

Whilst raising our glasses to GG, a large meat head turned around from his engrossing Golden Tee game and said, nay, shouted, "GG ALLIN IS A PIECE OF SHIT. I FUCKING HATE HIM." Naturally we had to defend our boy, so we told him how awesome he was. "GG ALLIN FUCKIN RAPED HIS SISTER AND CUT OFF HIS PENIS!!" was his rebuttle. If he knew anything about GG, he would know that GG did not cut off his dick, and he did not even have a sister. We tried explaining to him that he's wrong, but drunk meatheads don't listen, they just yell and threaten to kick your ass. And he threatened to kick our asses if we kept talking about GG Allin. Now, who would have thought that an incredibly obscure (most of you probably never even heard of GG until now) person like GG would trigger such a hateful response from this ignoramus. As we were leaving he continued to yell at us, and threatened to kick our asses some more. Satan was the last to leave Chuggers and as he was leaving, apparently the meathead said that, after having a shouting match at the door with Budd, he will "fucking kill us" if we bring that shit back up in his grill again. Whatever. We've basically resolved to hold a GG Allin Fan Club meeting every thursday at Chugger's from now on. Screw him.

What? Fuck GG Allin! He fuckin sucks! Fuck You!! I'll fuckin kill you!! My dick isn't that small! It's at least 4 inches!! Look at my sweet biceps!! I'm not compensating for anything, I swear!