Conspiracy Theories

Many people dismiss conspiracy theories as just crackpot ideas from people who either smoke too much weed....or not enough weed. We all know the typical ones like "9/11 is a government conspiracy to launch a war/kill its own citizens for no reason" or "The Iraq war was a tool to distract voters from the ailing economy/install a pro-western puppet regime to get cheap oil" (ps- the the economy isn't really ailing, as its experienced a growth rate of over 3% for 10 consecutive quarters. That hasn't happened since the 1986 boom. And during the time that Katrina, Rita, and Wilma were slamming the Gulf Region, there was a growth rate of approximately 4.2%. Take THAT you ultra-liberal negative nellies!)

The following is a list of what you may call "conspiracies," but what I call cold, real truths. If you sit back and think about it, you too will realize that I'm not at all crazy and you were previously just an imbicile for being able to see the truth with your own two eyes.

I. The Haircare Industry and the Water Companies are in collusion:

It really doesn't take much thought here to realize this one. Just pick up any old shampoo bottle. Instructions are always "Lather, Rinse, Repeat." Sometimes they add on "as necessary" on the end of the instructions to conceal their true motives. And then the conditioner bottles always tell you to leave it in your hair for at least 1 to 2 minutes. That can add up to an extra 4 minutes in the shower everyday. In an average household of 4 people, 21% of all water usage is consumed during showers. I tried looking up water usage rates for my local service provider Aquarion, but the rate structure is just about as confusing as that of a cell phone bill. Needless to say, the water companies are giving kick-backs to the hair care industry to encourage increased water consumption. This will make good, clean water less readily available, essentially scarce. And as any Introductory Economics student can tell you, "Too many dollars chasing too few goods results in inflation." In this case, the price of water will sky rocket as thousands suffer from acute dehydration, and possibly less showering. Which will affect countless more who have to put up with their smelly asses.


II. Only One Person Controls the Internet

Whether or not most of you know, it is assumed to be a widely known fact that the US controls the Internet. Whats less well known is that a small, non-profit agency claims to be its sole supreme master. The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (Icann), based in California is supposedly in charge of this. There was recently a huge stink raised by the international community citing that if the US controls the Internet, then they control the world. (is that a bad thing?) Now, back in 1995 Icann probably was in control of the Internet, but since then one God among men has utilized his powers of Eminent Domain Name (its a play on words fools) and has seized control of the worlds commerce. I'll give you one guess as to who it is.

If you guessed George W Bush then you are an asshole retard. Its this guy. He wields more Internet clout than McDonalds, Pepsi, Coke, and Wal-Mart combined. There are droves and droves of loyal followers of this leader of men. Maddox is the only one who says what stays and what goes (I'm kissing his ass because he knows I know that he owns everything, therefore reads the whole Internet everyday...he has those powers. Hopefully he doesn't have me deleted from the Earth's hard drive for exposing him). Ever wonder why it sometimes takes 3 to 4 months to update his site? Its because he's way too busy dominating us through the Net. (Rumor has it a secret project at UC-Berkley called Internet 2 is under production to rival Maddox's Internet, but a lunch date hasn't been set. Neither has a launch date)


III. Janitors are our Overlords

"What? You mean those people we see roaming around the MUB cleaning the bathrooms and can barely speak any English are our rulers? But they have brown skin!! " Believe it bigots, those "inferior" janitors are actually the kings of this world. George Bush? HAH! He's merely the head of a puppet regime that resides in Nicoragua, controlling all the worlds government. All the worlds political strife is merely an illusion used to dissuade you from the truth. The only thing is, in their strange culture, the highest class of people serve the morons by doing all of the menial tasks you don't want to do to make you feel better about yourself. But at the drop of a hat they could end your life and the life of your family while they put you to work in their gulags (which happen to be what you and I call office buildings). This is so they can keep an eye on you and me. I also believe that they are actually a coalition of Vampires and Reverse Vampires. As the vampires are the "night janitors" and the reverse vampires taking care of daytime duties....but i have yet to confirm these theories.


IV. The Jews do not control Hollywood

Infact, it is the Muslims who control Hollywood. We all know how much the muslims hate the Jews. So why would they give them what looks like a position of power? Easy. They are tired of the mainstream world secretly disliking the Jews but for the most part showing sympathy for the Children of Abraham as they have "suffered" for thousands of years. They make the Christians hate the Jews and try to make them jealous, then put out a film like Passion to stir up more Jew hate. Then they put out films like "Kingdom of Heaven" which, despite being told from the Christians POV during the Crusades, it portrays men like Saladin in a wonderful pink spotlight. They also know that Americans will laugh at any poop/fart/dick joke, watch naked women, and laugh at anything that has CG animation (see: Shrek), because we are a depraved and perverse society. They use our capitalistic ways against us, all because they don't like the Jewish people. But of course, this conflicts with my previous "theory" as I previously stated that it was the Nicoraguans who controlled everything. Well, the Nicoraguans put up a sham of faith in catholicism (like every other catholic) and actually believe in the ancient Sumerian god Enki. They use all these religious factions as pawns to conceal their true motives.


V. The Iraq War isn't real

I mean, seriously, how could somebody really mess something up that bad. If you watch the news and here the reports, its like watching a Die Hard movie and going "yeah, right that could never happen!" Same thing. I am convinced that the president is fooling everyone with this "war." But he's doing it not because he wanted that second term or to push through a religious conservative agenda, but because he wanted to test out his creative writing skills. Take a minute to sit back and ponder this one out. Here's a man who was accused of being an idiot by the American public. He wanted to prove them wrong. So he sat down at his desk at the Oval Office and began to let the words flow from his pen like a gushing stream. He then presented the rough draft to his Nicoraguan overlords, and after they made a few constructive criticisms, Dubya put together his final draft and handed it in. Then the Janitors and Reverse Vampires and the regular vampires set to work in motion, with their strings in Hollywood, to put together the greatest blockbuster the world has ever seen. And people are eating it up, spending countless dollars on prowar/antiwar paraphenalia, and dominating the evening and primetime news everynight in almost every country. I'm going to nominate the man for the Nobel Prize for Literature, because that story is just that damned good.


disclaimer: if you think i actually believe any of this shit, or you believe this shit, seek professional help immediately

Too bad the title of Lameking is already taken...

The Crowned Prince of Lame perhaps? Or maybe the First Regent of Lametude? How about just...Loser. Either way, my life isn't exactly what one would call "exciting." (At least the real lameking's life is starting to take off in sunny San Diego)

It is actually quite sad how pathetic my life is. In fact, there is only one other real person that I know that has a sorrier life than me, and thats because he spends his days off at work, and is excited to be at work, and loves to do extra shit around work without being paid for it. I don't think he has any friends....none that I know of anyways....but I digress.

Since I came back from JMU (almost 2 years ago now) I have had a pretty sorry social life. (This isn't a knock on my friends, they are actually great.) For about 8 or 9 months, I was merely a college dropout who lived in my parents basement, without any real social liberties. (Sounds kinda like the tiny man) Most of my coworkers, which was actually at a pizza hut in Portsmouth, were lowlifes, and I tried to avoid hanging out with them for fear of developing bad habits. So my only social moments came when my friends would come back from school for whatever break. Few and far between.

But last year college came back into my life at good old UNH. But after really fucking up at JMU, I decided to forego any real fun and focus on good grades, while working a little on the side, now at Joe's Pizza (its been over a year now?). After a stellar first semester at UNH, and subsequently becoming of legal age to enjoy libations at certain late night gathering places, I decided to "kick it up a notch." I went out a bit more, but nothing major.

However, not living in a dormatory freshman year at UNH really put a crimp my my social circle. Most of my UNH friends are people that I knew in high school and just became better friends with in college. (Again, nothing wrong with these people.) I have very few nonWHSers as facebook friends. (ps- if you read this and you are not a facebook friend, add me you bitches) And the fact that I'm on facebook kinda upsets me, since I swore it off forever.

But now as my third semester at UNH is coming to a close, I realize nothing over the past 2 years has changed, except my status in school. I still work too much for my own good, and I still have a social network two sizes too small. I haven't had a girlfriend in a very long time, and its too embarassing to mention the last time I had relations with a girl, so I'm not even going to mention it.

My life has actually been so depressing as of late, most of you would probably have killed yourselves if you were me. Here's the top developments in my life lately:

1. Moving out of the basement into an actual room.
2. building my own brand new computer (its really sweet)
3. Buying/playing World of Warcraft for said computer
4. completing a really hard quest in WoW with my lvl 12 rogue troll character (seriously?)
5. Playing Fable: Lost Chapters and Civilization IV (these three games have caused me to not sleep at all lately)
6. Not failing managerial accounting
7. Starting this website
   

Yes. Thats it. Those have really been like my top 6 things of the past 3+ months. I am pretty sure somebody just started tying up a noose with their computer cords after reading that. No where in that do you see getting laid, getting a new girlfriend, getting a raise at work, kicking azz in school, winning the lottery, meeting Keeley Hazell, or flying in an F-16 while drinking straight tequila and harassing the pilot.

So to sum it up, I'm a loser, and my life sucks. I'm now stuck at mediocrity in school, I hate my job, I'm a nerd. In order to spice up my life, I'm considering joining the Vacuum Cleaners Collectors Club so I can meet some new interesting, probably cooler than me people like RJ Vanik, prez of the VCCC.

And if that doesn't work, maybe I can at least take solace in the fact that I don't have a gay lip ring.

Pinnacle of Stupidity

I am sofa king wee tahded. (Now say that really fast)

As I am writing this, its about 7:15 Am on monday morning, november 21st. After getting ready for school and cleaning up a lot of puppy shit this morning, I am just about ready to get the hell out of the house. Not that I'm particularly excited about school today, but I really needed a coffee.

I was also supposed to drop off my step-mom in Porstmouth on my way to school today, and she agreed to purchase said coffee for me. Things were looking sort of ok for now.

While she took the puppies out real quick, I said, "I'll go warm up the car real quick." I walked out, turned on the car, and closed the doors. Then I went to grab something out of the back real quick, and its locked. I started trying all the other doors and even the rear hatch frantically to find a way back in this now impenetrable fortress that is my car.

No. Dice.

I guess it would also be prudent to mention at this point that we haven't had a spare key for the Blazer for years.

I'm locked out. I just did something that I once condemned to only females and total morons. Last time I checked, I still had a penis, so I guess it boils down to I'm just a total and complete moron.

To make matters worse, AAA was giving us shit about having someone come to open it for us because even though that car, along with all the others, belongs to my dad and his name is on the AAA policy. But since it wasn't him that actually commited this atrocity to all that is intelligent and manly, they didn't want to get off their dead asses. Thankfully after a few little white lies, and a little hemming and hawing, and possibly the promise of sexual favors upon completion of the job, they decided to come help us and are enroute as I type this.


It doesn't really get much stupider than this. (For those of you who may have missed that, its an intentional use of the word stupider, which isn't really a word)

The Tiny Man

Of all my fellow employees of Joe's Pizza (Hampton) there are several true characters. One is a former alcoholic/drug addict who has probably a year left to live while he runs numbers for his bookee uncle. One is a giant, total douchebag whose douchbaggery knows no bounds. One of them is a kid who burns and cuts himself. One is an extremely large individual who can't seem to find clothes large enough for his double ecks ell frame, and there's myself (I may appear normal to most people who think they really know me, but deep down I really think that I am absolutely, without a doubt, 100% crazy, and I probably have sort of psychological issue.) But this lovely little tale isn't about me or any of the others previously mentioned...its about a Tiny Little Man whom goes by the name of Satan.

Satan, or, Chris Maclean, is a long time Joe's Pizza employee. His time of service has been estimated from anywhere between 5 and 7 years (he's not too sure, his memory has gotten a little hazy in his old age...coupled with his excessive pot smoking). He's 31, and he lives in his mother's basement.

He acquired his nickname of Satan because:

1. He absolutely loves death metal, and almost all of its subgenres
2. He hates christianity, and he has many-a-time spoken of desecrating a Bible.
3. He despises the Jews
4. He has his own death metal (officially its New Hampshire Holocaust Assault Metal) band called Martyrvore (a eater or consumer of the martyrs)
5. When he used to work at Ronaldo's (an italian restaurant in North Hampton) he was a prep cook (as was I). One of the jobs was to prepare lobsters for the line cooks. The procedure consisted of chopping a live lobster in half (lengthwise) and cleaning out the guts. But he used to like to torture the lobsters by either stabbing them in the tail and watching the squirm, or just cut them down the head real slowly...to make them suffer. He would also throw the guts at all the waitresses when they came back to the kitchen. (on a sidenote, I used to do this all the time as well, because apparently I have a sadistic side, go figure, but maybe because I was a 15 year old kid at the time they just thought I was playing instead of being really sick)

Another thing you should know about Satan is that he is very tiny. I mean very tiny. I would be surprised if he topped out over 5'6"...and that is real generous. And now the new, ongoing joke is to make fun of his tinyness. Observe...

Hey Satan, where'd you get that cigar? Oh wait, thats not a cigar, its a cigarette....and you're just really tiny.

One day I asked Satan to make me a sauce, but then I realized that our normal sauce container was just too big for the guy.

Because of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, we have to accomadate Satan's...."condition."

Its a tiny little sauce container just for Satan!! Its so tiny!!

Also on the agenda to bring Joe's Pizza up to code is our new ovens that are due in any time now (although Joe has been really dragging his feet on this one.) Our current ovens cook a little on the slow side, are prone to frequent malfunction, and are probably older than me. Satan is our usual oven guy (or hotbox attendant, or oven monkey). The ovens are almost as tall as I am, and well, shucks, they're just too darn big for our little guy.





Our new ovens will be a bit better suited for our little vertically challenged friend.

Everybody Loves Provo!!

Brian Provencal (sp?)...or "Provo" as he is more affectionately called, is a crazy young getabout who lives and works in Hampton. Wait....what I really meant to say is that he's a stupid fucking townie who lives on Hampton Beach and does a shitty job as a handyman because he's a fucking hack.

Some of you may know Provo, but I'm sure that many of you do not. He's probably a shade under six feet tall, and has really blonde, short hair. And whenever you see him, you just get the feeling that he's a douchebag, and his douchebaggery knows no bounds.

He works as Joe's Pizza's defacto handyman and does whatever oddjobs need to be taken care of. And he charges us less because Joe the Owner allows him to use the vacant garage thats in back of the restaurant as his "workshop"

My first experience with his handywork was when I was cleaning the pizza table. It has a shelf that you set the pizza on to top it, and it folds up so you can clean under it. But the hinges were kinda broken, and instead of going to get new hinges and screws to fix it, he just took what appeared to be a little knob that you screw into a bathroom drawer, and used THAT as his screw on a busted hinge. Needless to say....it didn't work out too well.

There were other various minor things that he "repaired" that pissed me off, and he never did a good job at it. (He was supposed to fix one of our walls so it didn't leak during the rain, and after 11 hours of work, it leaks more now) But his coup de gras one summer night when it was decided that one of the ceiling beams needed to be removed to make room for a new soda machine. At about 7:45 PM (an hour and fifteen minutes before closing time) he walks in with a sledge hammer and just starts pounding away at the ceiling beam. Said ceiling beam is right above the pizza counter, where the customers would come to order and receive pizza. It appears to be a well built beam, but he just continues to pound away at it. I'd like to add at this point that there are in fact customers in the dining room trying to eat and hold a conversation. The asked him if he could wait until they were finished and he plainly said no and continued on. The sledgehammer was proving fruitless so then he breaks out a saw and just starts sawing away on the beam (meanwhile getting sawdust everywhere) Eventurntually the beam does come down, but so does a good chunk of the ceiling.




He then does a shitty job of patching up the holes and then leaves, leaving me to clean up all the shit he left behind.



I decided that revenge was a dish best served cold. A few weeks later I grabbed all the rotten tomatoes from the veggie order (there are usually about 8 per box, but this one was surprisingly laden with bad tomatoes, almost 20) . Provo also uses Joe's Parking lot as his own little personal boat yard when he's not out playing sea captain. So decided to take the 20 rotten tom's and just chuck them at his boat, making a huge freakin mess. Two days later (after the tomatoes baked onto the boat in the hot summer sun) he was out there cursing and cleaning it up, vowing to kill whoever did it. (he's just crazy enough to do it, because he killed this rat with a samurai sword one day)



But apparently that wasn't enough for him, and he has since come back in while i'm working (which usually means I'm in charge too, and I have to deal with complaints about him) and tried to "support the floor" which meant just a whole lot of banging on the floor from the basement. And then fix what he didn't finish fixing in the first place....the holes in the ceiling. Leaving me to clean up after him....again.

For my next performance, I think I'll take our used fryolator oil (that we just leave in buckets until the grease guy comes), and I'll pour it all over his new hovercraft. (Yes he has a hovercraft, he put it together in his workshop, then crashed it in the marshes in Hampton and had to be rescued like a dumbass) It probably wont work after that, and I don't think he'll appreciate it too much, but I really don't care, because Provo sucks llama dick.

This Just In: The Music Companies are figuring out MORE ways to piss you off

Back around 1999, this wonderful little program called Napster, not sure if you heard about it, decided to grace cyberspace with its presence. For all us poor kids who couldn't afford to pay $15 for a subpar album started to dance with joy. We could now (along with the advent of the CD-R) make our own CD's for our listening pleasure with the songs that we wanted to hear instead of what the radio or MTV told us to listen to. (Invariably, most of the songs on this new breed of "mixtape" consisted mostly of top 40 songs)

As our generation passed from high school to college, many of us, myself included were getting a taste of high speed internet for the first time. Oh glory days! I downloaded song after song after song, and it seemed like the good times would never end. (Once you hit 1000 on your downloaded playlist you because really cool)

However, since the beginning the record companies were very displeased by this phenomenon. Spearheaded by former bad boys-turned company schills, Metallica, there was a massive campaign by the industry to do away with this illegal swapping of songs.

OK, unless you been in a cave or on a ranch in montana where "The Internet" is the mesh lining that comes inside your swimsuit, you already know this.

For the most part, the record companies have been somewhat successful at cracking down on the illegal trading. Towards the beginning of 2004, I personally made the switch from downloading music back to original way of going to Bullmoose Records in downtown Portsmouth and selecting a CD to purchase, and then getting mocked by the uber-cool kids that work in said record shop because they know way more about what music I think is good than I know. And I was actually quite happy with this (in some respects i'm quite old fashioned). I liked supporting artists that don't have as much publicity as MTV bands do. I like looking at the album art on the cover and inside, and I like the fact that the commercial CDs are way more durable that copied ones. But then the good old folks at the record company pulled a fast one on me....

As a way to try and "lure" consumers back to hard CD's instead of MP3s, they started coming up with some new "innovative" ideas. They offer special editions that come with special access to fan sites you can only get through CDs, and sometimes bonus little DVDs were added. But I didn't care about that stuff, I just wanted the music. Then some dumbass motherfucker decided "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we put the CD and DVD on the SAME DISC?" And of course the other retard executives in the room said "Oh Johnson, then we'd have to make all the consumers switch from CD players to DVD players for all their audio stuff. Not even we, the all powerful record company can do that." And to this the first idiot replied, "Well how about we put a CD on one side, and a DVD on the other, and call it DualDisc."

Actually...not an entirely bad idea. However, it turns out that it's a terrible idea. Here's the problem. THEY ARE TOO FREAKIN WIDE. Your average CD is very slim, and it's receptacle in the CD player is usually just a tad wider. Now the DualDisc has both CD and DVD on it and this makes it jus a little bit wider. The FAQ site provided in the link states that it will work in all but a few players. However, I have never gotten it to work in anything other than a computer or a CD player built after fall 2004. They screwed me over again. SOMETIMES, I can get my new Franz Ferdinand or Oasis dualdisc to work in my car, but often times I just get incredibly frustrated with it. I usually put it in the player, it tries to read it, then spits it back out wither a little error message on the player. One time I drove all the way from North Hampton to Durham, about 30 minutes, give or take, just putting it in, getting the error and then trying again. They refuse to work. You might say "HAHA STUPID YOU ARE PUTTING IT IN WITH THE WRONG SIDE, DVD'S WONT PLAY IN A CAR STEREO" but no, I am putting it in the right way. And another gripe about this stupid things is that they get all scratched when you look at them the wrong way. Now my DualDiscs wont even copy right in my computer because they are all scratched and nearly unreadable. With this latest "development" I truly think that the industry is trying to think of as many ways as humanly possible to frustrate what few remaining people are left buying albums. Hey....record companies and recording industry.....

GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

I Should Invest in Apples...

On Tuesday (Nov. 1st) I was reminded of why I don't like going to the doctors at all. Back in September I went to go see them because I had a weird rash, later diagnosed as eczema, that needed attention. Everything went as planned, and I was about to leave with prescription in hand, they said, "Oh, you're new to the office, we should schedule an appointment for a physical."

Bastards.

My dad changed the family PCP during my brief stint at JMU, and since I came home, I hadn't need a doctor visit. But now they suckered me in, since the last time I had seen a doctor I was 18.

Back to Tuesday. As stated earlier, I hadn't been to a doctor in over 3 years, so I kinda, sorta, almost forgot what it was like. First the nurse does the height, weight, blood pressure and pulse. Pretty standard. At this point I figure that the doctor will come in, ask a few questions, examine my ears, throat, eyes, etc., and then I could be on my happy way to dominate my managerial accounting exam.

No.

The nurse goes to the cabinet and pulls out a hospital gown, told me to undress (I was allowed to leave my boxers on) and then just sit and wait. In the cold examination room. Alone. Uncomfortable. Scared.

Luckily the esteemed Dr. Micheal Pangan didn't keep me waiting too long. He first plugs in a little laptop and asks some questions. Do I smoke? No. Do I drink? Only a little bit on weekends (I am 21 afterall). Drug use? Some reefer in high school, maybe 5 times since i turned 18 though. Seuxally active within the past 5 years? Of course. Guys or Girls? Ok, this one caught me off guard. I mean, I've only enjoyed relations with the fairer sex (not that theres anything wrong with the other way, but I'm not into it). But the sheer nature of the question, accompanied by the utter nonchalance that he posed it with really threw me off and I had to think about it. After asking me about 20 questions, he determines I lead a fairly clean life, and judging by my height and weight, I'm just about as healthy as they come without being slaves to the gym or god-like atheletes. He then proceeds with all the aformentioned standard examinations.

He then turns around for a second and grabs a rubber glove. He snaps it on and says "drop your drawers." Again, this is a part I forgot about. At this point the only thing racing through my frightened mind is PROSTATE EXAMINATION. Am I too young for that stuff? I don't want a lubed finger exploring me! Thankfully its not that, but he had me incredibly worried.

But the next thing I know he's latched on to my, as Peter Griffin so elegantly calls it, flesh balloon. He's just feeling around, and he seems to be really enjoying himself. Imagine my discomfort as I stand in the middle of a cold room, with a short asian man groping my balls, while my ass is hanging out of the back of a hospital gown. Ok....on second thought don't imagine that because the next time I see any of you you'll probably give me a weird look or ignore me entirely.

But he has his hands on me, and he's really feeling around, all the while explaining something about testicular cancer, and monthly examinations, and lumps. I was way too uncomfortable to really get it all. He then wants me to feel around with him, and thats where I drew the line. Its one thing if you're going to fondle me like that, but I refuse to play along with you, you crazy sick doctor. There was no way he was going to get me to feel my balls while he's holding them....because that just screams homosexual. When he finally concludes the examination, I hastily redress and he directs me to another small room. Now I need blood drawn for a cholesterol test. Probably because I told him my diet consists of about 70% pizza, 20% coffee, and 9% crap in my house, and 1% Dos Amigos Burritos (they are sooooo good). Anything to ruin my day I suppose.

I left the doctors office feeling humiliated, violated, and light headed. Kind of like if you were in the ocean and your swimsuit came off, and then you were drugged and molested. In front of a bunch of people you know. And you had to pay $20 for it.